The Guys and the Girls
by Hawki
Summary: Oneshot: Was it weird that she was constantly put off by Lance's womanizing, yet jealous that she was never subjected to it herself?


**The Guys and the Girls**

 _I've died and gone to Hell,_ Katie "Pidge" Holt thought to herself. _It's the only explanation._

Actually, it wasn't the only explanation, and she knew it. In fact, it was so far away from being an explanation, it might as well be on the other side of the universe. Because even if she did believe in Hell, Heaven, or any other Earth-based superstition, there was nothing to suggest that she'd actually died. Like, she clearly remembered the fight she and the other paladins had had over Planet Duntroon. Ten galra capital ships, five lions, one giant, one sword, ten explosions. She wasn't sure where she'd exactly died along the way in that fight, and if she had, and this was Hell, why this place of fire and brimstone (that didn't have either of these things) looked exactly the same as the material universe.

Or maybe she'd died months ago and she'd been stuck in Hell. Or maybe she was overreacting because it was time for the paladins to leave, but Lance was lagging behind, and because the universe hated her, she needed to fetch him. Which, after careful consideration, was indeed the most likely explanation. Certainly Lance had the desire to stay here, and with his lion still on the planet, the means to get off it if the need ever arose.

 _But why would Lance leave this place?_ Pidge wondered. _Got everything he needs._

One day, she'd like to be stranded on a planet that catered to her needs. Which might as well not be a planet, but rather some kind of space station, or Dyson sphere, or any place that she could spend an eternity tinkering with. Certainly not like Duntroon, which was about as backwater as you could get. The izuzu were certainly impressive physically, but they hadn't even mastered spaceflight.

"Hey there gorgeous," one of them whispered.

Pidge ignored the catcall, if it could be called such a thing. As primitive as the izuzu were, they at least knew how to throw a good party – good food, good drink, good games. Like, not videogames, which were the only type of games Pidge was interested in, but still, for a few hours, it had been fun. It was quite easy walking through the village to the meeting hall, as most of the izuzu had retired, or were passed out on the dirt, drunk. She could only hope the galra didn't come back here and instead focussed on finding Voltron, because otherwise, the izuzu would find themselves in a Hell of their own – worse than the one Pidge found herself in now. After all, as she entered the town hall…well, it wasn't exactly passing through the pearly gates. And it certainly wasn't any god or angel who was lying on the chieftain's chair, glass of broka in one hand, and three izuzu all laid out around him.

"Hello Lance," Pidge said.

Lance was drunk, but not so drunk that he couldn't make out the Earthling who'd come knocking. "Pidge," he exclaimed. He tried to get up, stumbled, then fell back onto the seat, and the fur of whatever animal covered it. "Back for the party?"

"Actually here to take you away from the party," the green paladin said.

"Heh…regular old party pooper."

One of the izuzu giggled. Pidge shot her a glare.

"Ship's waiting Lance," Pidge said. "Got other planets to save."

"Yeah, but, none like this."

"Is it the planet you're interested in, or the women?"

"I'm a man of many tastes."

"Really. And that wouldn't have anything to do with how the izuzu are all girls, right?"

Lance said nothing. The izuzu sprawled around him said nothing. Pidge folded her arms and said nothing.

 _Yep. Hell._

The izuzu were mono-gendered. An entire planet of females that were able to reproduce with themselves, or with any other species. The galra may have occupied Duntroon, but they certainly weren't the first to visit it. Chances were the only reason the izuzu hadn't been conquered before was because species kept wanting to sample the goods. Speaking of which…

"Lance?" Pidge asked.

He just laid back, taking another sip.

"Come on," she said. "Time's up. Let's go."

"But…" Lance got to his feet. He seemed to have trouble forming words.

"Lance, come on," she said. She walked up and let the clout lean on her as they stumbled out of the hall. One of the izuzu gave Lance a wave.

"No-one…no-one loves…"

"Lance, I swear, once we get back, we gah!"

Lance stumbled, taking Pidge with him. She got to her feet quickly. Lance lay on the ground mumbling. Pidge looked at the izuzu.

"You guys gonna help?"

They giggled and turned away, doing…something with each other.

 _Bleh._ Pidge turned away from the sight of…something, and returned her gaze to Lance. _Should have used gals rather than guys. Or girls. Or gurls. Or gallies. Or-_

"Voltron…."

"Wake up!" Pidge exclaimed, giving Lance a kick. Without armour, it did a good job of getting him to spring up.

"Ow."

"Oh, you felt that?"

"Pidge?"

"Want another one? I mean, we can make sure."

"I…" He looked back at the chair. "What…what the heck are they doing?"

"I dunno, you tell me."

"They…huh. I never knew their tentacles could do that."

Pidge grabbed Lance's neck and turned it away. He just looked up at her through bleary eyes. Through bleary…weepy…

"Lance, are you crying?"

"No," he sniffed, wiping his nose. "Just allergies."

"Okay," Pidge said. "Now try to remember that I'm actually the one with allergies and try again."

Lance sniffed again, and for a moment, Pidge actually felt sorry for him. Here he was, on a planet with at least one billion women, being forced back into a galactic war against an empire that had stood for 10,000 years, said empire wanting to kill him. Key word being "moment" though, because she and every other denizen of the Castle Ship were in the same boat, and she still had to find her family among that empire.

"You done?" she asked.

He had no answer.

"Seriously," Pidge asked. "What you want with three girls all at once anyway?"

"Oh, you don't get it," Lance said, He just sat three, tracing something on the wooden floor. "Girls are like Voltron. The more you hook up, the better it gets."

Pidge trod on his fingers.

"Ow!"

"Misstep," Pidge said, feigning a smile. She grabbed Lance's arm. "Lions. Ship. Now."

"No. Not now! Not yet!" Lance tried to fight Pidge off, but the broka had made him too weak to do anything but stumble along. He looked back at the izuzu. "I'll be back! When we've saved the universe, I'll be back! I…how are you even doing-"

"Face forward Lance."

The blue paladin sighed. "Don't get it. Back on the ship…only one girl, and she doesn't even like me."

"Lance…" Pidge paused, choosing her words and actions carefully. "Okay, first things first. You want Allura to like you?"

He let out a sniff.

"Then actually make it seem like she's different from the dozen or so girls you've had the hots for since we ended up here."

"Oh that won't work," Lance whimpered. "Gotta…gotta make her jealous, y'know?" He spat. "It's all Keith's fault. Ever since they took off together…I mean, one girl, lots of guys…"

"Two."

Lance blinked through bloodshot eyes. "Du…huh?"

"Two," Pidge said through gritted teeth. They finally exited the hall, which meant they had to travel about two-hundred metres to where the lions were parked.

"Du…whuh?"

"There's two girls on the ship," Pidge said, gritting her teeth even harder.

"…Allura's got a twin?"

 _Three…two…one…_

"I mean, it's possible, but I mean-"

 _And zero._ Pidge dropped Lance into the dirt.

"Ow!"

"I'm a girl!" she yelled.

"Stop yelling," Lance moaned. "My ears aren't awake yet."

"Get up Lance."

"And you…you're no…" He blinked, as if seeing Pidge for the first time. Again. "Oh, wait. You are, aren't you?"

"Thank you for remembering."

"Yeah, well…I mean…"

"What?" Pidge asked, folding her arms.

"Well, your hair's only down to there, and your glasses don't do you any favours, and your chest's only out to-"

Pidge grabbed Lance by his legs and began dragging him along the dirt. It was that, or kicking him where he lay.

"And thus the blue paladin returns to his ship!" Lance exclaimed – he sounded like he was trying to sing while strangling a cat that was also trying to sing. "The conquering hero returns, ever fated to be spurned by his beloved…beloved…" He trailed off.

"Lance?" Pidge asked.

Lance said nothing.

"Lance?" she asked.

He began to snore.

"Lance!"

Snore very loudly.

 _That's it. I'm in Hell._

Pidge turned around and headed back to the lions.

One of the other paladins could drag this twat the rest of the way.


End file.
